Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] I found myself thinking about resilience.
[00:00:06] It's one of those words we hear a lot when someone goes through something difficult, we might say they're resilient.
[00:00:15] When someone experiences a failure and keeps going, we call that resilience.
[00:00:22] When life changes unexpectedly and we find a way to adjust, we see resilience.
[00:00:32] But what exactly is resilience?
[00:00:35] I think way to define it would be it's our ability to adjust, adapt, and continue moving forward when life doesn't go the way we expected it to.
[00:00:49] And there's a lot of things that can put our ability to the test.
[00:00:54] Failure, Change our emotions.
[00:00:59] Hardship or loss, personal, professional or spiritual fear. Based on our own experiences.
[00:01:08] Feeling overwhelmed, stepping outside of our comfort zone, even discovering that some of our personal values have changed.
[00:01:21] Any one of those can leave us asking questions.
[00:01:24] How did I get to this point?
[00:01:27] Where do I go from here?
[00:01:30] Can I control any part of this situation?
[00:01:35] And what do I do to accept the fact that I can't control it?
[00:01:42] I think maybe before we answer those questions, we have to understand where we really are at that moment.
[00:01:53] We need to see the situation clearly.
[00:01:57] Now, reframing is one of those things we can do. But reframing isn't about trying to make something feel better.
[00:02:04] It's about trying to see it clearly.
[00:02:08] I know there have been times in my life when I've had to realize that the truth was very uncomfortable.
[00:02:16] There were times that I was completely caught off guard.
[00:02:22] Other times I had to admit that I had failed and needed to figure out how to move forward.
[00:02:32] There were times when something had changed permanently and there was no going back to the way things were before.
[00:02:43] And through all that, I had to understand something else.
[00:02:49] Sometimes I was responsible for at least part of what had happened.
[00:02:55] And sometimes I was dealing with circumstances I couldn't control.
[00:03:01] That's where reframing becomes important.
[00:03:06] Not so much because it changes what happened and not because it makes a difficult situation positive.
[00:03:15] It doesn't do that, but because it helps us see the situation as clearly and truthfully as possible.
[00:03:25] And once we do that, we can begin asking a different question.
[00:03:30] What do we do next?
[00:03:33] What are we feeling at that moment?
[00:03:36] Part of the answer to the question means recognizing what we're feeling.
[00:03:42] Is it fear, anger, disappointment, grief, frustration, even confusion.
[00:03:56] Now those emotions are real and they truly matter.
[00:04:03] Resilience isn't about pretending they don't exist or trying to just push them aside.
[00:04:09] It's about understanding our emotions without allowing those emotions to control the decisions we make.
[00:04:19] Our emotions become part of what we know about the whole situation.
[00:04:25] But they don't have to make the decision for us.
[00:04:29] Given what we know and what we're feeling, what do we do next?
[00:04:36] One of the first things we think about when we hear the word resilience is bouncing back.
[00:04:43] Something happens and someone tells us, you'll bounce back.
[00:04:50] Or we're the ones telling ourselves, I've just got to bounce back from this now. Sometimes that's exactly what happens.
[00:05:00] We have a setback, we recover.
[00:05:04] We pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and keep going.
[00:05:09] But that's not always what resilience looks like.
[00:05:15] Sometimes we do bounce back.
[00:05:19] Sometimes we adapt.
[00:05:22] Sometimes we completely change direction.
[00:05:26] Sometimes we have to accept something that we realize we can't change.
[00:05:32] Sometimes we ask for help, and there's nothing wrong with asking for help.
[00:05:39] And sometimes we realize that we simply need to pause.
[00:05:45] Maybe that needing to pause is one of those things where that we're missing when we think about resilience.
[00:05:52] What resilience requires of us after a failure may be vastly different from what it requires after losing someone we love.
[00:06:05] What it requires during professional setback may be different from what it requires when our life changes in a way we never expected.
[00:06:17] There may be times when bounce back isn't possible because there's really no back to return to.
[00:06:28] My dad passed away in 1994.
[00:06:32] For several years, there were times when I'd have an issue or simply need something that I wanted or needed to run by.
[00:06:43] I knew it was something my dad could help me with.
[00:06:48] I'd pick up the phone and call him.
[00:06:53] Of course my mom would answer and I would pause.
[00:07:00] I would hesitate to say anything at that point because I'd remembered my dad passed away and he couldn't come to the phone.
[00:07:11] He wasn't there.
[00:07:13] He was with God.
[00:07:16] And I didn't know anything to do but go silent.
[00:07:22] After a little bit of time passed, my mom would ask me a question.
[00:07:28] You were calling your dad, weren't you?
[00:07:31] She knew now.
[00:07:35] I guess I knew my dad had passed away.
[00:07:40] At least most of the time I knew.
[00:07:43] But there were times when what I can only describe as muscle memory would take over.
[00:07:51] I'd pick up the phone, felt like I needed to call him and see what he thought about the situation I'd found myself in. Or maybe just simply bounce an idea off of him.
[00:08:06] Here's the thing. For most of my life, that's what I'd done.
[00:08:12] Something would happen.
[00:08:14] I needed some advice, and I called my dad.
[00:08:20] Just because he was gone didn't mean that need or instinct, whatever you want to call it, had disappeared.
[00:08:34] Maybe that's something we don't always recognize. When we talk about resiliency.
[00:08:41] Knowing that something has changed and adjusting to that change aren't necessarily the same thing.
[00:08:50] Sometimes that adjustment takes time.
[00:08:55] Maybe resiliency doesn't mean we wake up one morning and everything's okay.
[00:09:05] It doesn't mean we've forgotten what happened.
[00:09:09] It doesn't mean that we've stopped missing somebody or someone.
[00:09:16] Maybe resiliency means that over time we learn how to live with what's changed and continue to move forward.
[00:09:30] And I don't believe there's a timetable to do that.
[00:09:36] Some things we can adjust to pretty quickly.
[00:09:40] Other things take longer.
[00:09:43] There's another part of resiliency that we don't talk about.
[00:09:48] At least we don't talk about very often.
[00:09:52] Sometimes we realize we have to wait.
[00:09:57] Sometimes we have to pause.
[00:10:02] Now, we don't do that because we've given up.
[00:10:07] We don't do that because we aren't strong enough to move forward.
[00:10:12] Because we may not understand yet what moving forward means.
[00:10:18] Our circumstances can change in an instant.
[00:10:23] Adjusting those circumstances in all likelihood takes a lot longer.
[00:10:31] And maybe during that time, we're trying to understand what happened, what we're feeling, what's changed and what hasn't.
[00:10:45] We might be trying to separate what we can control from what we can't.
[00:10:54] We may even be trying to understand what resilience means in this particular situation, because resilience may not look the same every time we need it.
[00:11:09] Sometimes it means taking action, sometimes it means changing direction, sometimes it means asking for help, and sometimes it means giving ourselves permission to pause until we understand what we need to do next.
[00:11:31] Once we've tried to see the situation truthfully, recognize what we're feeling and accept that some things may have changed, we have to decide how we're going to respond.
[00:11:47] Now. Sometimes we can change the situation, sometimes we can't.
[00:11:54] And I think knowing the difference matters.
[00:11:58] Being flexible doesn't mean abandoning who we are or what we believe.
[00:12:04] It doesn't mean simply accepting everything that happens to us.
[00:12:11] Flexibility might mean being willing to change our approach.
[00:12:15] When the approach we're using no longer works, there may be another way to accomplish what we're trying to accomplish.
[00:12:26] Or maybe the destination itself's changed.
[00:12:32] And sometimes we may have to admit that we don't know what the next step is.
[00:12:40] Maybe that's okay too.
[00:12:43] We don't necessarily have to know what the next 10 steps are.
[00:12:48] And maybe the next Thing we need to do isn't take a step at all.
[00:12:54] Maybe we need to stop, wait, gather more information, give ourselves some time, or ask someone for help.
[00:13:09] Given what we know and what we're feeling, what do we do next?
[00:13:17] That brings me to something else I've been thinking about.
[00:13:22] Why do we sometimes believe resilience means handling everything ourselves?
[00:13:29] Maybe we tell ourselves, I should be able to handle this.
[00:13:33] Maybe simply we don't want to burden somebody else, a friend or family member or whoever.
[00:13:40] Or maybe asking for help somehow makes us feel like we're admitting that we aren't strong enough.
[00:13:51] But what if we're looking at this the wrong way now? Just think about that a moment.
[00:13:59] What if knowing when we need someone else isn't a sign that we lack resiliency?
[00:14:06] And maybe the person we need isn't necessarily someone who can actually solve the problem.
[00:14:13] Maybe we need someone who'll just listen.
[00:14:19] Someone who will ask us questions we haven't thought of or asked ourselves.
[00:14:26] Someone who will help us see something we're having trouble seeing.
[00:14:33] Someone who will tell us the truth, even when the truth isn't necessarily what we want to hear.
[00:14:43] Maybe it's a family member or a friend or a mentor.
[00:14:50] And sometimes we actually may need professional help.
[00:14:56] I feel like doing that doesn't show a weakness on our part.
[00:15:03] And I think that's important that we recognize that.
[00:15:07] And sometimes, maybe we just simply need someone who'll be there, stand by our side, not say anything, just physically be there.
[00:15:22] Maybe support isn't about finding someone who can tell us what we should do next.
[00:15:30] Sometimes it's about finding someone who'll simply stand beside us while we figure it out.
[00:15:39] There's something else that may help us when we're trying to decide what to do next.
[00:15:48] Our values.
[00:15:51] When everything around us seems uncertain, our values can sometimes give us a place to stand, a place to become centered.
[00:16:03] They can remind us of what matters.
[00:16:07] They can help us decide what we're willing to do.
[00:16:11] And maybe, just as importantly, what we're not willing to do.
[00:16:18] However, I've been thinking about something else.
[00:16:23] What happens when the experience we're going through causes us to question some of our values?
[00:16:31] Maybe something we once thought was incredibly important doesn't seem quite as important anymore.
[00:16:41] Or maybe something we took for granted suddenly becomes much more important than we ever realized.
[00:16:48] Failure can do that.
[00:16:50] Loss can do that.
[00:16:53] A major change in our lives can do that.
[00:16:57] Even success can do that.
[00:17:01] Maybe part of resilience is being willing to ask ourselves some uncomfortable questions.
[00:17:09] What still matters to us.
[00:17:12] What's changed?
[00:17:14] Why has it changed?
[00:17:17] And is that change helping us become the person we want to become?
[00:17:24] Maybe our values can help guide us through the difficult circumstances.
[00:17:29] But perhaps difficult circumstances can also help us understand our values more clearly.
[00:17:37] And maybe that's another way that resilience doesn't always look the same.
[00:17:44] Sometimes I believe sometimes resilience means holding firmly to what we believe.
[00:17:52] And sometimes it may mean having the courage to examine why we believe that way, why we believe it.
[00:18:03] Given what we know, what we're feeling and what matters to us, what do we do next?
[00:18:13] I think that's what I've come to understand about resilience.
[00:18:19] It isn't one thing.
[00:18:22] Sometimes we bounce back, sometimes we adapt, sometimes we change direction, sometimes we ask for help, sometimes we wait.
[00:18:38] Sometimes we simply accept something we can't change.
[00:18:44] And sometimes we try to understand where we are before deciding where we're going.
[00:18:53] Maybe resilience is isn't about getting back to the person we were before something happened.
[00:19:00] Maybe it's about allowing what happened to become part of who we're becoming now. We may not know exactly where that takes us.
[00:19:12] We may not know how long it's going to take.
[00:19:16] And we certainly don't have all the answers.
[00:19:21] Maybe we just have to be willing to keep asking ourselves, what do we know?
[00:19:30] What are we feeling?
[00:19:33] What matters to us?
[00:19:36] And what do we do next?
[00:19:41] Because we're not finished.
[00:19:44] We're still becoming.
[00:19:49] Until next time, stay humble, be kind, love unconditionally, and laugh often.
[00:20:00] Remember that your future belongs to you.
[00:20:03] And never forget these things. You are enough, you are worthy and you are seen as always. I wish you much success.
[00:20:18] Have a super day and may God bless you in a super way.
[00:20:24] Thanks again and God bless.
